1. Don‘t Assume the Worse in Your Partner.
Most fights and conflicts, even the very hostile ones, do not usually start purposely to hurt the other. People typically have good intentions when contradicting their partner or attempting to correct any misunderstandings. The secret is to focus on each other’s good intentions and desire to resolve the relationship problems fairly. Assuming your partner has malicious motives is unproductive and usually unfair.
2. One Cutting Remark Can Quickly Reverse A Long Period of Good-Will.
Poor anger management is a primary reason couples find themselves in trouble. The inability of one or both partners to restrain their anger, even to minor, everyday irritants, is a primary reason people seek psychological help. Many angry people were never taught self-control or were raised in a home where anger was the reaction of choice for most conflictful situations. Whatever the origins of anger, the angry partner(s) must learn to express THEIR annoyances, gripes, or criticism at the right time and place and with reasonable and constructive comments. Remember, it only takes one insulting or disrespectful comment to wipe away many acts of kindness when trying to mend a troubled relationship.
3. “Little Things Mean A Lot.”
This is the title of an early 1950s hit song that, at the time, I thought had silly lyrics. “Blow me a kiss from across the room… Touch my hair as you pass my chair… Give me your arm as we cross the street... Give me your shoulder to cry on… Honey, little things mean a lot.” Well, most of the lyrics don’t seem so foolish to me now after doing years of couples therapy. Small acts of kindness do mean a lot in nurturing your relationship. Research indicates that the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships are subtle. As the song suggests, paying attention to modest considerations can increase hope and optimism between you and your partner. Unsolicited compliments, gentle touches as you pass by, and support and understanding during difficult times (without unwanted advice) can do wonders to restore or maintain the health of a relationship.
4. Help Your Partner Be a More Fulfilled Person.
Until recently, it was assumed that partners should sacrifice their personal needs to sustain their marriage or relationship. Not today. Couples now are seeking from their partners ways to make their own lives more exciting and fulfilling. To this point, studies show that the more a person supports and encourages their partner’s self-growth, the more committed and satisfied each partner will be in the marriage. Expanding each other’s world can be accomplished in many ways. Encouraging your partner to finish that degree, finally, take up that hobby, apply for the dream job, etc. Each partner should find ways to introduce new friends, share new experiences, make travel plans together, discuss fascinating news stories, and do novel and interesting things on date nights instead of the same old routine. These are just some of the ways to expand each other’s lives. Of course, both partners must be open and willing to step outside the proverbial “comfort zone” and embrace the sense of adventure, big and small. At the same time, forcing one’s partner to participate in something that is not mutually enjoyable is unproductive and can lead to increased conflict and discord.
5. You Have No Control Over Your Partner’s Behavior.
It is common for people to believe that the fault for a troubled relationship belongs to the other person. “If only my (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend) would (fill in the blank), everything would be fine.” Or “Things will only get better when my partner changes.” Of course, this belief is usually erroneous, as well as unfair. And once we realize that the only person we can control is ourselves, we will begin focusing on those little personal adjustments that can make a difference. Besides, we have little, if any, power over our partner’s behavior anyway. But, by initiating changes within ourselves, we are showing goodwill that often brings hope and openness back into the relationship.
6. Differences Between Partners Are Less Important Than How These Differences Are Handled.
Another common belief is that relationship problems result from incompatibility between the partners. “The trouble with our marriage is that we have little in common.” However, in healthy relationships, partners do not focus on their differences in taste and interests or insist on compatibility in all areas of life. Each partner strives to understand, accept, and even embrace the other’s “differentness.” Some diversity in taste and personality keeps the relationship evolving and vibrant. In contrast, “yoked relationships” are those in which one or both partners insist the other fits into their ways, much like two oxen that must move in unison because of the heavy yoke attached. This results in a static relationship or one full of contention and bitterness.
7. Men and Women May Fight in Different Ways But Endure Similar Pain From Their Battles.
Most men are uncomfortable with discord and react by withdrawing and avoiding at the first sign of conflict. They go into their “man cave,” which could be the TV room, den, the local bar, etc. Men are then accused of having a “problem with intimacy.” Women typically find this “emotion distancing” disturbing and are visibly upset by it. So when they seek immediate resolution through discussion and are visibly upset by what they see as their partner's avoidance tactics, they are charged with “overreacting.” Both partners are searching for the same things: understanding, recognition, support, and affection. But they do it in different ways. And when these very human needs are not met because of the fighting, both partners feel hurt, misunderstood, abandoned, and unloved.
8. Be Aware of Blocks to “Fair Fighting.”
Dead-end, no-win arguments are all too familiar to most couples. Instead of “fighting fair,” many couples escalate a disagreement with insults, ultimatums, and finally, refusal to communicate at all. Don‘t let the following poor communication habits impede your relationship.
a. character assassination., name-calling
b. implied insults
c. blaming the other (using “you” statements- “If you weren’t so cold to me, I wouldn’t drink so much.”)
d. bringing up the past
e. using “never” or “always” (“You never listen to me.”)
f. tit for tat (“I don’t listen to your complaints because you shut me out too.”)
g. over-dramatizing
h. not respecting your partner's style of arguing (unless abusive)
i. jumping the gun and missing the real point, also called “mind-reading.”
j. keeping score (who is right or wrong)
k. silent treatment
l. self-righteousness (being “holier than thou”)
m. hit and run (Bringing up a contentious issue while running out of house to work.)
n. yes- butting (“Yes, but you do the same thing.”) Save your complaints, no matter how legitimate, for another time.
o. piling up the complaints, discounting your partner’s feelings (“You shouldn’t feel that feel.” “Come on, you’re being overly sensitive.”)
9. Handling Conflicts in a Healthy Way Takes Practice.
Learning to manage fights, anger, and disputes is a skill that requires both partner’s cooperation and patience. Unfortunately, most people enter relationships with few healthy skills to cope with the inevitable disagreements and arguments in all love relationships. So, they often resort to the unproductive and destructive fighting tactics cited above. Poor communication skills, however learned, can be unlearned and replaced with productive ways to discuss important relationship issues. Learning healthy communication habits and finding ways to understand each other’s point of view takes practice and often guidance from friends, family, or mental health professionals.
Source: Adapted, in part, from Notarius, C. and Markman, H. (1993). We Can Work It Out: Making Sense of Marital Conflict. Putnam.